Mother of the Groom outfits and sailboats

Ben is getting married in August! He and his gal have been partners for a few years now; buying a house together and bringing a puppy into their little family in recent months. They are clearly nesting and with their age ripe for making babies, I am not surprised that they are planning a wedding. Actually, I am thrilled that they are planning a wedding. These two love to have fun and I love a good party and a good excuse to go to California!

I woke up with a headache at 3:30 am....Lou, my love, was awake too and rubbed my neck and my back to help my $15 migraine pill work. It took a while to kick in completely. Lou, mercifully had gone back to sleep in the meantime and I didn't wake even enough to know when he got out of bed and went to work. He is usually gone by 7:15 am. The phone rang waking me, it was Katie. She was surprised I was still asleep and offered to hang up and let me get my coffee before calling her back. Since it was almost 10 a.m. I wanted to just get up and make my coffee while I talked with her. It is always a nice way to get going in the morning; a chat with my NYC girl! We got to talking about "mother of the groom" dresses. Since she is the pro on weddings, being the NYC Wedding Photographer, she had some recent pictures to share of some nice mother of the bride/groom dresses. She scrolled through her collection of weddings while we talked and I became more conscious with my coffee. In just a few minutes I had a variety of classy dresses to consider. Cool, now I have some ideas!

Ben called the other night to go over the guest list for our side of the family. I suggested that he invite only those he considers friends and send wedding announcements to the remainder. When I got married to Lou 7 years ago some of the family felt obligated to RSVP attendance, but had no intention of attending...that is really, flippin' expensive, because you order a meal for them and it is a waste of money. Go figure!

So I go online yesterday, google women over 50 that sail and voila! A site pops up for this British gal who is single handed sailing as we speak...round the horn at that! I was totally taken in and intrigued and not jealous at all, really! I was in awe of this woman who at 67 years old would have the guts to do that. I started reading her recent blog posts and thought that if I want to do that alone or even with Lou I need to learn A LOT! I am totally in love with her boat too! She is doing this with sponsors for the Marie Curie Cancer Care in the UK.

What I thought is that I might get some sailing lessons to begin with and then just let the Universe take me from there. I know, I know that sounds weird, but I really have come to believe that what happens is what is supposed to happen. "The Universe is unfolding as it should." a quote from the Desiderata Poem that I have hanging on my wall. It is less frustrating for me to believe that because it takes the pressure from the "I should have" floggings that are so easy to inflict upon oneself.

There is a woman I had gone to high school with who had done a lot of sailing with her husband; not a complete circumnavigation, but close to it. I think I remember her telling me that they were gone for about 7 years! So cool. I emailed her to get a little information on their boat and if they had gone round The Horn (the southern tip of S. America). They had not. They started in San Diego area and then headed down the west coast of N. and S. America, over to the Marquesas, Australia, South Seas and then Indonesia, across the Atlantic and stopped on the East Coast of the U.S. They just got themselves a new Beneteau they keep in San Diego. They live in Tucson now.

Since this is our 40th anniversary year of graduating from High School Dorothy, my sailing friend, is going to try to get our other classmate Dee to host another St. Bernardine Class of 1971 reunion at her beach house on Balboa Island in California. We have done two other reunions there and it has been a lot of fun!

It is hard sometimes to believe all things work together for the good, but I have reached a point in my life where I can look back and see the puzzle pieces fitting together in ways that I could have never designed. I spent a lot of time fretting that they wouldn't fit, but I didn't actually make them fit together. There is something much larger than myself that makes that happen and I am relieved that I have come to understand that in a very immature sort of way. That immaturity can grow so I don't even put too much energy into worrying about it all. I have things that the Universe wants me to do. If I am jealous of someone it is because I am not doing what I should be doing. That is all. There isn't a product from jealousy, it is only a directional signal that points to the very thing that needs attending to. It is comforting to know that is what that feeling is, otherwise it is all consuming with confusion and anger; a result of immobilization from fear! I refuse to be a victim of that.

Is it the "Whiskey" talkin'?

I hung up the phone and felt this welling up in my chest that took all I had in me to force it down. Tears were right there wanting to spring. Often after I talk to my daughter, I go find Lou and tell him about the latest adventures of our NYC girl. This time, however, I sat there alone with the TV blaring whatever it was I was anesthetizing myself with and just stewed. I was freaking jealous! Not jealous of my daughter and her amazing life she was etching out in NYC, I was jealous of two people she had casually mentioned. People I don't even know! One was a fellow that was at a recent holiday party wrote freelance for The New Yorker..."Oh, interesting, Lou and I just ordered it online last night." was my reply. Then she went on to tell me how when she was talking with this young fellow she congratulated him for his success at such an early age, 24 I think she had said. I had commended her on being able to say that to people who are successful and not just pretend it was such an everyday occurrence for someone that young to have such a great job; making most of their money from freelancing for the New Yorker! Then as we talked our conversation was interrupted by a voice I heard her greet on the street, as she had called me on her cell phone on the way to run errands. This woman had just had a book published after blogging about it online. She had the book tour and her book was now on sale at Barnes and Nobel. She too was young! The green monster grabbed me around the throat! I asked my daughter what her book title was and she mumbled the reply, I asked again, trying desperately to sound interested and not annoyed that she would say it so fast as she usually does; as if I am not important enough to know the details, just important enough to know how important her life is...really that is bitchy, but I was in a bitchy mood! The third time I got only the middle word out of her and didn't dare to ask again for fear of turning this conversation into an annoying moment for her that could come from her certainty that I was a confirmed nerd and idiot. Which I feel like I am most of the time when I speak with her these days! Then my daughter said the worst thing; well the worst thing she could have said on that day when I was in "a bitchy because my life is boring mode," with the green eyed monster sitting on my chest poking his finger into my sternum! She said "you probably don't know what that means anyways!" Ok.....deep breath...I kinda knew, but her words made me doubt that I knew anything at all. I hung up as quickly as I could then googled it and sent her the URL with the subject line: "nothing new under the sun!" So there! Then I googled the only word from the book title I could get out of that annoying conversation and with the little I knew about the author I actually think I found the book she was talking about. "Psssh! I could write something like that!" I thought, but I never have and why? The difference between that young girl and me wasn't just years it was passion. I read a few excerpts on Amazon.com and it was the unashamed passion and refreshing cynicism for the subject that drew me in, not the subject...which is as old and dusty as the hills. I didn't order the book yet, but I probably will.

What do I have passion about? I have passion about telling the truth and hearing the truth from other people. I have passion about loyalty and I have passion about paying my bills. What else do I have passion about? I am 57 years old for God's sake! I have passion about writing. But I need to have passion for something to write about it!

Well, I did have a clue....I just listed them above, but I didn't think any of those things were worth sharing. Why not, I thought....then it occurred to me that life had given me an opportunity, by being jealous of a couple 24 year olds, to take a look at what I wanted, really wanted. Not what other people wanted, not what my husband wanted, not what my relatives wanted, not what my kids wanted, what I wanted. It was a new concept and an uncomfortable one at that!

I fearfully allowed myself to think about what I have passion about for the first time in my life. What dreams do I have? I spend so much of my time worrying about juggling finances, worrying about retirement, how we can get back to California. This wasn't about wanting: a new house, a new pair of shoes, a nice gift for my kids or a vacation for my husband, this was about me....whoa...that is so foreign! But I did it for a day, a whole day.

I had been reading "The War of Art." I am almost finished with the third go around with that book and something new keeps jumping out at me, it seems, when I need it the most. I have been writing every day since September, but I have only been doing it as a hobby...an hour or so a day. I picked up the book and read another chapter and right there as if by design Steven Pressfield says to just show up to write as if it were your job then the Muse will honor your passion. So I did! The next morning I sat down at 9am and wrote until 1:45 pm....first time in my life I had ever done that.
Sure I wrote essays for college, poetry for assignments and letters I write once in a while, but this was different. I wrote about the past five years we have been in Florida because it has been a roller coaster ride from beginning to end. In essence I attempted to make some sense of my life by recounting the crazy last 5 years.

The Cliff notes version:

2003 Summer- I marry Lou Keister in Calif; only child of Allene and Louis Sr.
2004 Spring-we buy a house close to my office; Lou leaves his job of 20 yrs to work on new house
2005 Spring- his mother, in Florida, is diagnosed with lung cancer
2005 Summer-I am sick out of my mind of the insurance business I say we should go be near his mother; sell my family home I still own in the mountains, but just close up the new house near the office.
2005 Fall- we're off like Mr. and Mrs. Joad from the "Grapes of Wrath"
2006 Spring- come back to calif for 6 months realize his mother is going to live forever and we have no job and cannot live with her another day
2006 Fall - we buy a house in Florida near her house so we can take care of her; start looking for work
2007 Jan-no work to be found so we take our retirement and buy a machine shop, Lou had been a machinist for 35 years at that point
2008 machine shop pays us back for our investment about 80%
2009 machine shop pays us back again about 110% whooo hooo things are looking good
2010 Winter-Lou's Mom passes away, we rent an apartment closer to the shop and turn our home into a vacation rental
2010 Summer-vacation rental is a disaster; people are pigs, we can't deal with it. All 3 of our kids are making their own way financially and we are just the two of us for the holidays.

2011 Ok, here we are just the two of us and I am totally lost. I have been planning, caring, putting out fires, juggling life for everyone including myself and now all I have to do is get up, exercise, clean house, plan meals, shop, bank, go the the shop to have lunch with Lou and watch TV in the evening. I am dying here!

Kids don't call because they are busy with their lives. I am happy that is the case. I think maybe I want a pet....that seems too much of a bother. Our friends in California are drifting away....No one, but Maggi has made the effort to visit....the kids all have visited several times though. We have one couple we have sort of become friends with, but he grabbed my ass one time after we had dinner together and it took away all desire to hang with them anymore! It is just the two of us on this big lonely planet of our lives. I am not content anymore and I am beginning to grouch at Lou for no reason. He has something to do all day and I do the maid service! Well, at least that is how it feels sometimes! I decide that I am going to do something wild and crazy like write! So I am.

I am home from the dentist with my lip and tongue not working, writing in my lovely living room and thinking I would much rather be on a sailboat sailing around the world right now. That is my passion, sailing to far away places! Whenever I talk to Lou about that, he always says he'll email me a lot while I am gone.....so what would a year apart make of our marriage. Is it strong enough to handle it?

Sometimes I am convinced that Lou will always be a bachelor in his soul. I actually like that about him and it gives me some comfort knowing he knows how to take care of himself, he did it a long, long time before I showed up. He doesn't share a bathroom with me, he has his own "train room" he sleeps on the couch half the night because he wakes up a lot and is afraid to wake me. I have always seen these things as endearing and livable; never have I been threatened by these indicators of bachelorhood. But leaving for a year, that is scary, but when I sat down and went over what it is that I have dreamed about in my life it has always come back to sailing. I don't want to break trans Atlantic records or circumnavigation times. I just want to be on the water, sleep with the rocking of the boat at anchor and catching my dinner from the sea. Sailing along with rainbows over the islands and dolphins at the bow. (I have experienced that!) The idea of learning to read charts, learning celestial navigation and making my way from Tampa Bay to New Zealand (where hopefully Julie and Bryce will still be living!) , that is what makes my heart race and my palms sweat, not out of fear but out of excitement!

I have been saying for years even before I met Lou that when I sold the insurance business I was headed to the Caribbean to wait tables and live on a boat....I wouldn't even want to wear a bra! (most people would be appalled by that, but it sounds so lovely) I want to own one pair of cut offs, one sundress, and a windbreaker and about 10 bathing suits. That's it! I don't want to own much! A 25 foot boat would be fine. I would tear it down to the bulkheads to make sure it was watertight and seaworthy and put enough equipment on it to stay healthy and safe, but nothing more. I would be fine to do it alone.

Steven Pressfield claims that providence takes hold once you make your first step of showing up. I wonder if even writing about doing that could open the portals for the Muse to enter and actually take me there. I'd like to experiment with that.

So dear cyberspace....stay tuned for the Adventures of Eileen..

I have reached year 57!

Having a birthday is strange now. I love the cooler weather in November. I love getting cards and calls from the people I love the most. I love it that Lou writes something special to me and brings me flowers. I love my life now more than ever; I have a husband who is there for me no matter what. I have children who are successful and productive adults. I have a business to run with Lou (who does the hardest part). I have "arrived" in the sense that I don't want for anything! The uncertainty of life keeps me from fretting about the future but forcing me to enjoy the present. Knowing I have weathered really difficult times keeps me from worrying if I will come up against something I cannot handle. I am in a unique place and I spend a lot of my time in awe and wonder that I am here. It is a good feeling and I know I am blessed!

So I officially started my birthday celebration on Friday. I got a nice evening of blue/pink sky out at the dock after dinner. Saturday morning Lou was off to the shop to work on his Harley. I took my camp chair and headed out to the dock. The tide was way, way low. I think I remember it being like this last year, but still it was impressive. You could walk across most of the bay and the deep channels looked like rivers in a muddy basin. I spent a couple of hours out there reading and writing. Lou had made reservations for Saturday evening at the Ruth's Chris Steak house in Tampa, just a 15 minute drive from the house. I did a nice long spa-like time getting ready in the afternoon; taking a long hot bath, doing my nails and getting my hair just right. Lou came in about 3:30 with a lovely Fall Arrangement in a basket from the florist.

We had a lovely dinner. The table cloth was sprinkled with confetti and I had a fun dessert that I even took a photo with my phone. The filet and shrimp were the best. I have never been disappointed in a steak at Ruth's Chris. Turns out it is Ben's favorite steak place too.....the apple doesn't fall far from the tree as they say.

Sunday morning Lou took me out to one of our favorite breakfast diners. We had originally planned to rent a kayak for the day and explore the bay, but with the cool temps and the high winds we decided to take a car ride and explore some areas east and south of us. We started out around 11am and headed south over the Sunshine Skyway. Seeing the parasailers from the road we got off the main road and stopped to watch, getting a couple of pictures.

We ended up in Punta Gorda in the afternoon. We stopped in the park along Port Charlotte Harbor and had some goofy moments by the statue of Ponce de Leon. The weather was cool, sunny and perfect! We have lived in Florida for 5 years now and we have travelled so many places. It is interesting how it is actually becoming home.

My Uncle Jim

This photo was taken at Lake Arrowhead in the San Bernardino Mountains. I was less than a year old in the Summer of 1954. The attention I got from my God Father, my Uncle Jim, would turn out to be the most nurturing and important fatherly attention I ever had. He had the gift for caring and for taking the world very lightly. I always felt like I did my siblings a favor by sharing My Uncle Jim with them.
He passed away in 1997 at age 65 from leukemia.
The year before he left I flew up to Sonoma by myself and spent 6 days with Aunt Barbara and Uncle Jim.
It was a rare time, the only time actually, that I had them all to myself.
It was typical January weather for Sonoma County, cold and rainy some days, but sunny and beautiful on others. We did a lot of driving to all of our special spots; Bodega Bay for lunch and Napa for wine tasting. Also the champagne winery near their home in Sonoma. I will treasure that time for all of my life.

I was studying poetry at the time at Cal. State San Bernardino under B.H. Fairchild. This is an assignment
poem that I wrote when I returned from that trip.

SIX DAYS TO SAY GOOD-BYE

We drive through tufted, velvet hills,
Under heavy gray-silk skies,
Taste red wine and eat rich meals,
Only six days to say good-bye.

Sleeping vines of summer wines
Stand bare in perfect rows.
Will he see the Spring sun shine,
Or blooms of mustard grow?

Talk is tender, false with hope,
We plan a June reunion
We walk along green coast slopes
sprouting purple lupine.

The dormant Winter clings to life
in glowing-beaded meadows.
I take its lesson as a light
to illuminate my shadows.

copyright 1996 Eileen Osgood
aka Eileen Keister

Road Trip: Train Ride and Fall Colors

We had always wanted to do an overnight trip on a train. So we finally got the opportunity to take the car-train from Orlando, Fl up to Lorton, VA (near Alexandria). The two meals we had on the train were delightful. Dinner was delicious and our table mates were entertaining. Morning breakfast was simple cereal and fruit and coffee, but served on a linen table cloth with cloth napkins makes that simple fare seem so elegant!! We didn't sleep as well as we'd like; actually it was miserable! I suppose it is one of those things that you could get used to.

Got the car and we were on the road by 11am on Saturday morning; short time on the beltway and we headed west towards the hills. "The Scenic Drive" was a $15 fee for the Park entrance so we turned around and did the less crowded and cost free route through small towns and two lane highways. The fall colors were maroon, gold and amber brilliant. So many of the houses along the highway were decorated with pumpkins, scarecrows and tons of mums. We figured we'd be in Roanoke, VA by dinnertime so we mapquested a Sheraton in Roanoke and were able to get some discounts via Ben. Thanks Ben, roomservice was a total luxury since we were so tired from the night on the train. Lou slept while I drove most of the way. It made me happy he was so relaxed. I had coffeed up at Breakfast so I had plenty of energy that slipped away by the time we got in our hotel room.

Early morning for us at 9am, on the road with our 1/2 priced starbucks, thanks to Ben's discount at the Hotel. We drove about 5 miles and got onto the Blue Ridge Parkway. We had one of those perfect moments driving down the tree lined parkway, the brilliant morning sunshine, the sunroof open and our hot drinks in hand....so perfect!

There were open meadows with grazing horses and cattle. Often crossing rock bridges made in the Depression era, still gorgeous and strong. We came up on two white burros that were wearing head harnesses, but had clearly escaped their fenced pasture. We slowed down as we passed them on the right side of the road walking towards us. They stopped as we crept the car by and they looked at us with what Lou and I agreed was a very guilty look on their faces. We laughed and drove on. They probably do that on a regular basis, they looked like they knew what they were doing!

We decided to eat lunch and then just head on home. We always seem to need a recovery day after being away, so getting back to Brooksville last night late was a bit of a push, but we were able to wake up and eat and then head down to Safety Harbor.

We lounged around all day and napped enjoying our stolen Monday holiday at home. Walked downtown for dinner then back home....then we needed an ice cream cone so we walked back to town and got one, walking around town to wear it off before we got back just in time to see the sun set on the dock.

Some Things Must Change

A Dozen Years

The braille of pine door-frames and oak stair-rails guide my groping
palms up fourteen steps to you.
Branches outside your window melt
into monkey faces when you waken wide-eyed.
Your fear is the only voice that still pulls me from my dreams,
forcing me to see the slender shadows that shine
on moon-bright nights. Street-lighted halls whisper
my way through the the house that speaks
the secret of little girls growing.
Each night, for a dozen years, we lie together, warm and woven,
for awhile. I hold you, in limbo, while you grow in my arms.
Memories of your infant self, sweet with milk-breath fingers,
find their way into the midnight room.
The once fat-padded body now pokes me with sharp elbows and knees.
Your fragile, velvet cap I used to stroke is now a plaited rope,
it tickles my lips with its fringe.
You clutch your dissolving childhood with a death-grip,
but soon you must slip from me, into a woman's form.

copyright 1996 Eileen Osgood aka Eileen Sagona Keister

First Memory

Brave at Two

He sits, paper spread under
yellow fingers of lamplight. The Grundig
drones the news.

Children are down,
but one doesn't sleep.
She is watching light slide
across the wall and fade down the street.
The world is her own tonight.

Slipping from the shared warmth,
into the night hall,
avoiding the caverns of unlit rooms,
she begins an adventure.

Light from the living room chases
the darkness, just enough for
fat feet to pad down the hardwood
on a silent mission.

She sees his head crowned in light above
the high-backed chair.
The radio talks unseen,
masking her presence.

Climbing the open-drawers
she stretches up onto cold linoleum counters,
and discovers the treasure; the white sweet-sugar
crust of Campfire marshmallows wrapped in a blue
waxed papered box.

And Nobody ever knew.


copyright 1997 Eileen Osgood aka Eileen Sagona Keister

Lou gave me this card for my birthday a few years ago and it works with this poem perfectly.

I believe I am 2 yrs old in this photo. My brother Jim, in the background, appears to be around 1+ years and we are just a little over 1 year apart. This is taken at Easter time (I can tell by my Easter bonnet and Jimmy's suit) in Nuremburg, Germany. I believe in 1956...I would have been three that following November. This was when I got up on the counter via the drawers I pulled open and got into the Campfire marshmallows on my own. It was the first time I did something without anyone knowing and it was a powerful moment that I clearly remember. This is a product of a poetry writing course I took (one of many) over the course of 3 years under the Poet B.H.Fairchild. I owe my love of poetry to him.