Old Friends, Charming Young Ladies and Tacos!

Pam and I had been in touch on FB for some time now, but we hadn't seen each other...I don't know...maybe 15 years! Last time I remember seeing Pam and her family is when her 20 yr old was 4 or 5 years old....yikes! Well I stopped by yesterday going through the Phoenix area and met Pam and Bob's two other daughters. Got caught up on lots of current stuff and old news too. Rachel and Hanna were home when I arrived, but Sara was attending her college classes. I did get to see her just as I was leaving. Pam home schools her kids. What a fine job she has done. Those were the most relaxed teenagers I have ever been around. They were confident, polite and really the first time I have been in a space with Mom and daughter and not have to witness the standard dressing down that teenagers seem to feel entitled to hand out to their parents....Amazing! The love and respect they all showed for each other should be the standard not the exception. Pam should write a book about her experiences!

We went out for tacos.........OMG having real tacos after living in Florida where they don't know a taco from a sandwich, it was so yummy! We got a nice 4 hour visit before I needed to hit the road and get the next leg of my journey done.

I drove into the sunset...really! It was gorgeous as it dropped below the horizon I took this photo while driving I had to somehow capture the moment. I made a push to Palm Springs so I could be within a couple hours of San Bernardino where I am meeting another old friend, dating back to 1968. Mary and I were buddies in hight school, we were both on the cheer squad our senior year; she a pom pom song leader and me a cheerleader.....I haven't seen her since our 20 year reunion in 1991. Thanks to the magic of the internet we have arranged a visit. She happens to be down from Truckee visiting her dad in their family home for a couple of weeks. Great timing!! We have talked several times and when we first reconnected we had spent the entire day emailing back and forth getting caught up with the last 20 years. I am so excited to see her!

I found a Travel Lodge motel on Hwy 111 in Palm Springs. I was looking for my fav HIE, but got on a wild goose chase, saw this hotel and my car wouldn't go any further...it turned right into the driveway that was it for the night. I think it was close to 9pm. I got a nice swim in even so, lovely and alone in a huge lit pool. With that desert dry air and cool water, I was in heaven!! I find myself sipping water almost non stop and apply lotion often. What a difference from wearing the air to replenishing the moisture constantly.

Anyways, nice to be home in California, even if I haven't yet arrived at my destination. Friday morning I am headed out. Hopefully I can see my buddy Marsha for coffee Friday morning!

Happy Trails they have been! Only a few more miles to go..........

Tucson....not like it was in 1974

1ST PHOTO: This is the first rest stop I came to today in the morning in Texas

2ND PHOTO: This is the last rest stop for the day.











My first apartment (with orange shag carpeting) was in Tucson, AZ. I have fond memories of this place. Got into town about 5pm just in time to meet all the traffic for rush hour. Passed by Davis Monthan AFB and got to enjoy a couple of jets dog-fighting just above the base. What a site. The afternoon sun was exactly as I had remembered it. I see why so many people I know are retiring here, it is gorgeous!

Got to my hotel just after a nice newsy chat with my honey, Lou. We yukked it up enough to feel like we weren't 2000 miles apart. Oh, I sure do miss him! I don't know about this being away from each other business. It is extremely motivating to get down to work quickly to get him out here so we can have our days together again.

When I checked in I asked about local eateries since I was starving big time. Got a referral and a promise of a 10% discount if I went to Rusty's Family Bar and Grill. Had the honey mustard chicken and vegetables with rice...terrific. Met a sweet couple traveling from Oakland to Mexico for their annual trek to stay down there 8 months. They looked and acted just like my Stepmom Linda and my Dad...it was weird. They were wonderful and we parted with hugs. It was fun to talk with people after being alone since Sunday when I left Mobile, AL

It was 47 degrees when I got in the car at Ft. Stockton, Tx....brrrrrr....my car was totally caked with red dirt. I told Lou about it and said there probably had been a wind storm in the night. I didn't hear anything!! He told me he had read that indeed there had been a wind storm..Ha! I went straight to the car wash and got the basic wash which barely did the trick, but at least I could see out the windows again!

Lovely drive across the desert into NM and then into Arizona. I am planning on a ride up to Phoenix in the morning to see some old friends (from the 80's era) that I haven't seen in 15 years or so. Then off to California in the afternoon. I will stay in Blythe or Palm Springs depending on my energy level. Then I am meeting up with friends in San Bernardino for the night on Thurs. with plans to be in Sonoma by Friday evening!

As the day went on today I became more and more relaxed about all of this change and more and more confident that I am doing the right thing going out before Lou gets the shop sold! I am focused on enjoying each moment of the trip! It won't be often if ever that I do this again!

Never in a million years would I have ever expected my life to go this way...what a ride it is wonderful!

Ft Stockton, Texas

Got up to a foggy morning today. Nice to have cooler weather! Well that didn't last long. It was up to 100 degrees today in the hill country of Texas. Stopped at a wonderful stone rest area where I took this picture. The Monday traffic was light so the interstate pleasant.

I was thinking I would make it to Phoenix tomorrow night, but that might not happen. That may be too much of a push. We shall see. I have been trying not to be too rigid about my schedule so I can at least enjoy the trip. Taking the route through Austin gave me a nice change from the flat Texas that there is so much of!

I have carrying my snacks; granola bars, apple sauce, gala apples, carrots and caramels. I think by the end of the trip I will be taking a break from those items.

Day two---628 miles!!

The only picture I took today. Downtown New Orleans. Looking a lot better!!

Got up and took my time getting things together. On the road around 9:30 am. I was thinking of trying for Austin, TX then changed my mind to Houston. Then as I got into Houston I thought "Why Not" never been to Austin and talked about going so heck, I'm just gonna do it.

The 10 frwy through Alabama lasts only a few miles since that spot in Alabama was made to include a harbor when they were cutting out the states. Smart move on their part. So in quick succession it was Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana all in a space of an hour. Then around 1pm I got into Texas. The interstate isn't much different scenery wise from one state to another. One thing that is a nice benefit to the Southern States travel is that the rest stops are wonderful. Nicely designed buildings with parks surrounding the area, vending machines and very clean.

Got out my CDs that Katie had made for me over the years and took a little trip down memory lane. Funny how songs put you right back into the time you first heard them or listened to them a lot. i love that.

My last stop in Louisiana today was at my favorite: Cracker Barrel where I went in to just get a bottle of coke, the kind that needs a bottle opener. Luckily I remembered to ask them to open it before I left. The cashier looked and sounded just like Bill Clinton...hmmmm is he moonlighting these days?! Then I sat in their famous rockers on the front porch and just enjoyed the time out of the car. There were a mess of what Lou and I always call "Texas roadside rest blackbirds" since that is where we first noticed them on our first trip out. I was getting back in my car when I realized there were all these birds taking the shade underneath other cars to keep cool. I spotted one who seemed to be giving the under carriage of a Honda a good once over "there's your problem" was seeming to be ready to come out of his beak....yeah, I am weird, but I love birds. Maybe I was one in another life?::0

Went through New Orleans and although it wasn't hard to miss the remaining aftermath of hurricane Katrina from 2005, there was a lot of improvement since we went through there in 2006. I felt relieved for them! Crossed Lake Ponchatrain on a newly built bridge. I am sure the previous one didn't make it through the worst of Katrina. You can tell which part of Interstate 10 has been repaired in recent years there isn't the bumpily bump from the seams that seem characteristic of I-10 in the older sections.

Took Hwy 71 up to Austin as the sun was setting. Got a fierce hunger in time for refueling the car so we all, me and the car got our refueling at the same Chevron Station. The store was a mexican deli and boy did they know how to bake up some yummies. Can't do the pastries, but I did get some yummy summer sausage and doritos to go with it. Along with my water and kraft caramels I had a complete dinner. I had two apples earlier in the day so the fresh stuff was accounted for...sort of!

I just checked in around 9pm so I got a shower and am ready to crash. Tomorrow will be another long Texas ride day. I will break out the book I downloaded and enjoy that!

Happy Trails<3

Write when you get work!

I felt like an emigrant today...leaving Florida without Lou and going off alone to California to a new job! My Sicilian relatives, 3 generations ago came over to NYC via Ellis Island to make a new life for themselves. Thank you Lorenzo and Maria Louisa Sagona for braving the unknown back in 1893. They have inspired me to take my 2500 mile trip across our country to Sonoma County to hopefully have a job that can bring us "Home."
We have been floundering in Florida. The economy has turned our machine shop from over active to OMG we gotta find business. Luckily with a few phone calls we were able to invite a few part time customers to bring their full time needs for machining to us. Whew!!
Knowing we want to be back in California motivated me to consider insurance after a 6 years hiatus. I am shocked, really, that I have even considered it. I think having the six year break has given me a renewed sense of energy and purpose. Knowing that Lou is so unhappy in Florida is motivating to me. My Aunt Dot told me a while back that I was an "enabler" well I took that to mean that I need to watch out for that if it gets in the way, but being an enabler for "good" is a good thing right? I can do insurance in my sleep and the confidence that comes with age makes me want to go back to it because I know I will be good at it and I am actually ready again to get in front of people and be that person that solves problems that others can't. Now what is wrong with that, I ask?
Knowing that we will be close to Ben and Jill and Aunt Barbara and Lisa, Robbie, and numerous other cousins makes the effort even more satisfying! Sonoma County is such a gorgeous place and moving there is just plain wonderful!

So today I said goodbye to My Lou and now I am in a Holiday Express in Mobile, Alabama. Watching the Florida/Auburn game on the TV. I started watching it at the lounge on the 17th floor, ate a hamburger and a couple glasses of Chardonnay, passing the time chatting with a group of Delta Airline crew on layover. I am getting more in the relaxed mode now that I am on the road. The last two weeks I have been a tight bundle of nerves. Now that I am "on the road" I feel myself relaxing and enjoying the experience.

The lounge here at the hotel in downtown Mobile has a 180 degree view of the harbor and Navy yard. It was brilliant at sunset. The only thing missing was my Lou to enjoy it with me, but I called him and told him all about it! He is thrilled that I am doing this and it makes it even more exciting for me to have his enthusiasm to keep me going!

I expect to be in Texas tomorrow and was thinking it might be fun to head to Austin. I even might get bold and take myself out country dancing....do they even do that in Texas. I am such a nerd, I don't even know. I have heard lots of nice things about Austin so I may check that out. I am trying to listen to that "still small voice" as I travel. That voice helped me find this hotel today. Coming into downtown I got to see tall columned houses and buildings along Government Avenue. I blew past my turn off for the hotel and had to turn around, but then I got to see all those houses again. The south does have a special charm!

I have a couple of "old" friends that I have been in touch with on FB and email. I will be stopping in Phoenix to see Pam and her family and in San Bernardino to see an old friend from high school. I haven't seen either of them in 15-20 years. It makes the trip all that more exciting to have that to look forward to the last few day of the trip!

July and Summer is 1/3 over?

Lots of rainbows this time of year. Afternoon thunderstorms almost always bring rainbows as the sun sets. This one was on our trip up to Brooksville on Friday early evening.

It always seems like summer is almost over when August looms in the near distance. It may be because of all the "back to school" ads that appear. Funny how I still measure time by how many days are left until school starts!

I have been preparing for months for our trip to California at the end of August. My Ben is getting married. He and Jill are doing it up right. They are being considerate of people and funds and doing their best to plan a nice time for everyone. I am so grateful for who they are. I got a nice compliment from my Aunt Barbara the other day; actually a compliment about my children. She told me that I raised two really nice, considerate people. I can't take the credit for all of it, but I sure would get the blame for the opposite. Don't you think that is the way we judge parents in this world? I do at least, but I try to catch myself when I do. I was very conscious of trying to be a good parent all the time. It was exhausting and sometimes I gave into that and wasn't the best parent I could have been. I feel good about my kid's growth into responsible human beings. They are truthful and hardworking. I am not sure I could ask for more than that.

Now it is my turn to focus on my life. It has been a strange and challenging transition. I have had dreams in the past, but no support system to pursue them. When I wanted to go to college I was told "there is no money." Money seemed to be the ONLY thing that was needed to succeed. We didn't have it, so I gave up any big dreams that might cost money. I felt that I wasn't good enough to get what I wanted. I think that was my parents disappointment rubbing off onto me. I am just now learning to wash my thoughts clean of that. It is so sad when people are unrealized in their dreams and hopes and I cannot bear the thought of being one of those persons. There isn't much that makes me afraid any more. That is truly my biggest accomplishment in my life since raising my kids. If I think too much about something the old fears start creeping in, but for the most part I am fearless. At least I can recognize that process and take steps to fight it. I surprise myself sometimes with how bold I can be. Although I have my BA in English I am still stumped about "what to do when I grow up?" I am seeing this quiet reflective time as a gift from the Universe to get myself ready for the next chapter. I am more optimistic and calm keeping that thought in my head. Things are changing dramatically at the shop so my next assignment (should I choose to accept it) will probably we something along the lines of sales rep. for Rock's Precision Machining! That's ok too!



The wildflowers are blooming profusely in my little garden at Brooksville. There are a lot of black eyed Susans and Indian blankets. The yellow coreopsis are spent and so are the phlox. It is always a delight to have flowers to cut and bring in the house to enjoy! The great gift is that the more I cut them the more they keep blooming...what a great system!



Lou and I celebrated our 8th anniversary this weekend. We had a lovely dinner at the Chart House on Tampa Bay near the airport then drove up to Brooksville to enjoy the quiet of our pine covered property. We just replaced the pool liner so we, I mean I, can use the pool again after months of having it empty. Lou has gotten into the pool once since we moved there in 2006 and this weekend he actually put on his swim trunks and dangled his feet in what he considered frigid water. It was 80 degrees!! He is the quintessential LEO, the cat!
We had a lovely, relaxing weekend and now are back in Safety Harbor.

I picked up my gown for Ben and Jill's wedding and at first thought it didn't need any alterations. The length was perfect, it zipped up without any trouble, but after trying it on again at home I saw that the sleeves were a wee bit too big, so back today to the seamstress at Athena's Bridal store to get it altered. I considered doing it myself since I just had my sewing maching reconditioned, but nahhhh...that is too scary to try to do that on my own. Let the experts mess with the chiffon and satin and pleats...Yikes!

Bike Ride, Caterpillars, Alligators

I jumped on my Craigslist bike early today. The sun was gleaming through the front window and the water was brilliant blue. It just demanded that I go out in the cool wind and sunshine! So I did!

I love my new (used) bike. It is practically brand new and has a really nicely padded seat; perfect for my bum!

The oak trees line most of the path through the 3 parks I ride through and they are littered with caterpillars on their silk tethers trying to find a place to turn into butterflies. So I was virtually covered with them when I got to my first stop in Kapok Park.

I sat in the sun and ate my banana and picked up the cigarette butts around the bench. ( I have the hiker's mantra etched into my brain; leave it cleaner than you find it.)

I rode around Kapok park, kinda quiet there. Last time I was there I saw a lot of different birds; wood storks, ibis, limpkin, falcons, egrets and common moorhens. There are plaques at the park with the picture and name of the common birds. I love that! I didn't see any alligators there nor did I see any turtles.

When I was coming back I stopped at the lake at Cooper's Bayou and there was an alligator. He was trying to pretend he was a log, but I spotted him...hah! can't fool me. Got a picture of a Great Blue Heron fishing on the shore...they have a 7 foot wing span. I frightened him off and got to see that wing span..Wow! There was an unafraid Anhinga sunning himself around the same area. I couldn't get a photo of the alligator, too stealthy in the water and I wasn't going to try to coax him out of the water...yikes. They are scary to look at!

I had seen a flock of Roseate Spoonbills last night at the beach by the dock, which is rare, so I took a picture of them too. They are the quintessential Florida bird next to the Flamingo.

If you were here I would tell you......

Three things I wrote down this last week that I wanted to pass on:

Pay attention to your longings. They are a vital part of your internal compass that will guide you to your best life. When I have listened and followed, even questioning and wondering all at the same time, I have been rewarded with abundance.

Never give in to the need to beat yourself up for something that you felt may have been a mistake; learn from it and let the power of the the mistake lead you to greater things, not to feeling bad. Feeling bad is a complete waste of your time and energy and essentially your life.


Ask a lot of questions to the Universe, then be very still (minutes, hours, days) in your mind about the process of the answer. You will be directed. Sometimes directly to your answer, sometimes you will be taken on a circuitous route. Live as if you know the answers to your life's questions. The power to believe is no different than the power to experience......it comes from the same energy. If you cannot believe then you may not be ready to experience.

If you were here I would tell you......

My Ben is getting married to our Lovely Jillian on August 28th!!! I am so excited for them!

Looking at their engagement pictures today I could see the happiness in their brows. They both seem very relaxed and that is a very comforting thing for a mother to notice.

I thought about all the things I have learned about being married in the past 7 years, mostly how much work it is even when it is a really good marriage and how worth it all is to work at it. The operative word is being "kind."

If Ben were sitting across the table at dinner or on the couch in the living room I would probably tell him some of those things as I thought about them. Many things are no brainer polite society rules, but some are surprising to me still. Since he isn't here I decided to do a series of posts on things that have made me a better spouse and things that my Lou does to make me a better person.

I was raised by shouters, I am a shouter, I used to be married to a shouter, and my kids are shouters too, I think. Not so much any more (for any of us) because I think most people just remove themselves from your presence when the shouting begins. Not shouting comes under the "being kind" heading.

Learning to approach things that need to be discussed is one of the hardest arts to develop. Believe me, the person receiving the information is always going to feel like "this isn't the right time" every time you want to "talk." Doing it out of context is probably where I have gotten my best successes. Doing it out of context in a one sentence statement and then just shutting up has been the most positive way to make a point I have ever used. I highly recommend it.

Life without a car this week.

Lou's 1970 pickup truck is getting new brakes and it has been raining every morning this week so no Harley riding to work for him. It's only 8 miles south of us, the shop that is, but riding in the rain here is suicide! So Lou has been taking my car to work since Monday. It has forced me into a little different routine. I don't mind that so much. I have cleaned things that have been calling out to me for a while. I have taken more walks than usual, exercised a little more and watched more TV than I care to admit. The change has allowed me to relax a little more too. I have been busy with a job or someone purposefully since I was 17 years old. This is the first time in my life that I have been relieved of duty for everyone else but myself. It is very strange. I keep hearing the command from the Universe to "give it time," and enjoy the change. Order will come out of this feeling of chaos as it has for everything in the universe at one time or another. I am getting it. Although I have been without wheels this week I have been in this new mode of freedom since the beginning of the year. Lou and I talked about my sense of restlessness and loss of purpose that I have been feeling since 1. Allene passed away a year ago 2. Katie is now on her own and Ben is settling in with Jill 3. The business is on automatic and my part can be done once a week now. 4. Finally and most importantly that Lou and I are in such a secure place with each other after 9 years of being together. That is probably the most positive influencing factor of all.
I love to have projects going, something with a defined purpose and end date so this has been really difficult these past three weeks adjusting to NOT having any of that. New thoughts have taken hold and I have given myself permission to just BE; no great novel to write, no project to complete, no one to counsel or support. It is lovely. I am beginning to change inside and see another side of myself.
I was out at the dock twice yesterday; once at around 2pm, gorgeous sunshine, breezy, perfect temperature. The New Yorker came and I spent about 90 minutes just reading and sitting quietly. Then after dinner I went out again, this time it was cooler. The moon was full and I snapped the above photo with my phone. I cannot explain my attraction to water, but it is so strong and gives me so much comfort. I feel like I am connected to the big picture (whatever that may be) when I am near or on the water.

Mother of the Groom outfits and sailboats

Ben is getting married in August! He and his gal have been partners for a few years now; buying a house together and bringing a puppy into their little family in recent months. They are clearly nesting and with their age ripe for making babies, I am not surprised that they are planning a wedding. Actually, I am thrilled that they are planning a wedding. These two love to have fun and I love a good party and a good excuse to go to California!

I woke up with a headache at 3:30 am....Lou, my love, was awake too and rubbed my neck and my back to help my $15 migraine pill work. It took a while to kick in completely. Lou, mercifully had gone back to sleep in the meantime and I didn't wake even enough to know when he got out of bed and went to work. He is usually gone by 7:15 am. The phone rang waking me, it was Katie. She was surprised I was still asleep and offered to hang up and let me get my coffee before calling her back. Since it was almost 10 a.m. I wanted to just get up and make my coffee while I talked with her. It is always a nice way to get going in the morning; a chat with my NYC girl! We got to talking about "mother of the groom" dresses. Since she is the pro on weddings, being the NYC Wedding Photographer, she had some recent pictures to share of some nice mother of the bride/groom dresses. She scrolled through her collection of weddings while we talked and I became more conscious with my coffee. In just a few minutes I had a variety of classy dresses to consider. Cool, now I have some ideas!

Ben called the other night to go over the guest list for our side of the family. I suggested that he invite only those he considers friends and send wedding announcements to the remainder. When I got married to Lou 7 years ago some of the family felt obligated to RSVP attendance, but had no intention of attending...that is really, flippin' expensive, because you order a meal for them and it is a waste of money. Go figure!

So I go online yesterday, google women over 50 that sail and voila! A site pops up for this British gal who is single handed sailing as we speak...round the horn at that! I was totally taken in and intrigued and not jealous at all, really! I was in awe of this woman who at 67 years old would have the guts to do that. I started reading her recent blog posts and thought that if I want to do that alone or even with Lou I need to learn A LOT! I am totally in love with her boat too! She is doing this with sponsors for the Marie Curie Cancer Care in the UK.

What I thought is that I might get some sailing lessons to begin with and then just let the Universe take me from there. I know, I know that sounds weird, but I really have come to believe that what happens is what is supposed to happen. "The Universe is unfolding as it should." a quote from the Desiderata Poem that I have hanging on my wall. It is less frustrating for me to believe that because it takes the pressure from the "I should have" floggings that are so easy to inflict upon oneself.

There is a woman I had gone to high school with who had done a lot of sailing with her husband; not a complete circumnavigation, but close to it. I think I remember her telling me that they were gone for about 7 years! So cool. I emailed her to get a little information on their boat and if they had gone round The Horn (the southern tip of S. America). They had not. They started in San Diego area and then headed down the west coast of N. and S. America, over to the Marquesas, Australia, South Seas and then Indonesia, across the Atlantic and stopped on the East Coast of the U.S. They just got themselves a new Beneteau they keep in San Diego. They live in Tucson now.

Since this is our 40th anniversary year of graduating from High School Dorothy, my sailing friend, is going to try to get our other classmate Dee to host another St. Bernardine Class of 1971 reunion at her beach house on Balboa Island in California. We have done two other reunions there and it has been a lot of fun!

It is hard sometimes to believe all things work together for the good, but I have reached a point in my life where I can look back and see the puzzle pieces fitting together in ways that I could have never designed. I spent a lot of time fretting that they wouldn't fit, but I didn't actually make them fit together. There is something much larger than myself that makes that happen and I am relieved that I have come to understand that in a very immature sort of way. That immaturity can grow so I don't even put too much energy into worrying about it all. I have things that the Universe wants me to do. If I am jealous of someone it is because I am not doing what I should be doing. That is all. There isn't a product from jealousy, it is only a directional signal that points to the very thing that needs attending to. It is comforting to know that is what that feeling is, otherwise it is all consuming with confusion and anger; a result of immobilization from fear! I refuse to be a victim of that.

Is it the "Whiskey" talkin'?

I hung up the phone and felt this welling up in my chest that took all I had in me to force it down. Tears were right there wanting to spring. Often after I talk to my daughter, I go find Lou and tell him about the latest adventures of our NYC girl. This time, however, I sat there alone with the TV blaring whatever it was I was anesthetizing myself with and just stewed. I was freaking jealous! Not jealous of my daughter and her amazing life she was etching out in NYC, I was jealous of two people she had casually mentioned. People I don't even know! One was a fellow that was at a recent holiday party wrote freelance for The New Yorker..."Oh, interesting, Lou and I just ordered it online last night." was my reply. Then she went on to tell me how when she was talking with this young fellow she congratulated him for his success at such an early age, 24 I think she had said. I had commended her on being able to say that to people who are successful and not just pretend it was such an everyday occurrence for someone that young to have such a great job; making most of their money from freelancing for the New Yorker! Then as we talked our conversation was interrupted by a voice I heard her greet on the street, as she had called me on her cell phone on the way to run errands. This woman had just had a book published after blogging about it online. She had the book tour and her book was now on sale at Barnes and Nobel. She too was young! The green monster grabbed me around the throat! I asked my daughter what her book title was and she mumbled the reply, I asked again, trying desperately to sound interested and not annoyed that she would say it so fast as she usually does; as if I am not important enough to know the details, just important enough to know how important her life is...really that is bitchy, but I was in a bitchy mood! The third time I got only the middle word out of her and didn't dare to ask again for fear of turning this conversation into an annoying moment for her that could come from her certainty that I was a confirmed nerd and idiot. Which I feel like I am most of the time when I speak with her these days! Then my daughter said the worst thing; well the worst thing she could have said on that day when I was in "a bitchy because my life is boring mode," with the green eyed monster sitting on my chest poking his finger into my sternum! She said "you probably don't know what that means anyways!" Ok.....deep breath...I kinda knew, but her words made me doubt that I knew anything at all. I hung up as quickly as I could then googled it and sent her the URL with the subject line: "nothing new under the sun!" So there! Then I googled the only word from the book title I could get out of that annoying conversation and with the little I knew about the author I actually think I found the book she was talking about. "Psssh! I could write something like that!" I thought, but I never have and why? The difference between that young girl and me wasn't just years it was passion. I read a few excerpts on Amazon.com and it was the unashamed passion and refreshing cynicism for the subject that drew me in, not the subject...which is as old and dusty as the hills. I didn't order the book yet, but I probably will.

What do I have passion about? I have passion about telling the truth and hearing the truth from other people. I have passion about loyalty and I have passion about paying my bills. What else do I have passion about? I am 57 years old for God's sake! I have passion about writing. But I need to have passion for something to write about it!

Well, I did have a clue....I just listed them above, but I didn't think any of those things were worth sharing. Why not, I thought....then it occurred to me that life had given me an opportunity, by being jealous of a couple 24 year olds, to take a look at what I wanted, really wanted. Not what other people wanted, not what my husband wanted, not what my relatives wanted, not what my kids wanted, what I wanted. It was a new concept and an uncomfortable one at that!

I fearfully allowed myself to think about what I have passion about for the first time in my life. What dreams do I have? I spend so much of my time worrying about juggling finances, worrying about retirement, how we can get back to California. This wasn't about wanting: a new house, a new pair of shoes, a nice gift for my kids or a vacation for my husband, this was about me....whoa...that is so foreign! But I did it for a day, a whole day.

I had been reading "The War of Art." I am almost finished with the third go around with that book and something new keeps jumping out at me, it seems, when I need it the most. I have been writing every day since September, but I have only been doing it as a hobby...an hour or so a day. I picked up the book and read another chapter and right there as if by design Steven Pressfield says to just show up to write as if it were your job then the Muse will honor your passion. So I did! The next morning I sat down at 9am and wrote until 1:45 pm....first time in my life I had ever done that.
Sure I wrote essays for college, poetry for assignments and letters I write once in a while, but this was different. I wrote about the past five years we have been in Florida because it has been a roller coaster ride from beginning to end. In essence I attempted to make some sense of my life by recounting the crazy last 5 years.

The Cliff notes version:

2003 Summer- I marry Lou Keister in Calif; only child of Allene and Louis Sr.
2004 Spring-we buy a house close to my office; Lou leaves his job of 20 yrs to work on new house
2005 Spring- his mother, in Florida, is diagnosed with lung cancer
2005 Summer-I am sick out of my mind of the insurance business I say we should go be near his mother; sell my family home I still own in the mountains, but just close up the new house near the office.
2005 Fall- we're off like Mr. and Mrs. Joad from the "Grapes of Wrath"
2006 Spring- come back to calif for 6 months realize his mother is going to live forever and we have no job and cannot live with her another day
2006 Fall - we buy a house in Florida near her house so we can take care of her; start looking for work
2007 Jan-no work to be found so we take our retirement and buy a machine shop, Lou had been a machinist for 35 years at that point
2008 machine shop pays us back for our investment about 80%
2009 machine shop pays us back again about 110% whooo hooo things are looking good
2010 Winter-Lou's Mom passes away, we rent an apartment closer to the shop and turn our home into a vacation rental
2010 Summer-vacation rental is a disaster; people are pigs, we can't deal with it. All 3 of our kids are making their own way financially and we are just the two of us for the holidays.

2011 Ok, here we are just the two of us and I am totally lost. I have been planning, caring, putting out fires, juggling life for everyone including myself and now all I have to do is get up, exercise, clean house, plan meals, shop, bank, go the the shop to have lunch with Lou and watch TV in the evening. I am dying here!

Kids don't call because they are busy with their lives. I am happy that is the case. I think maybe I want a pet....that seems too much of a bother. Our friends in California are drifting away....No one, but Maggi has made the effort to visit....the kids all have visited several times though. We have one couple we have sort of become friends with, but he grabbed my ass one time after we had dinner together and it took away all desire to hang with them anymore! It is just the two of us on this big lonely planet of our lives. I am not content anymore and I am beginning to grouch at Lou for no reason. He has something to do all day and I do the maid service! Well, at least that is how it feels sometimes! I decide that I am going to do something wild and crazy like write! So I am.

I am home from the dentist with my lip and tongue not working, writing in my lovely living room and thinking I would much rather be on a sailboat sailing around the world right now. That is my passion, sailing to far away places! Whenever I talk to Lou about that, he always says he'll email me a lot while I am gone.....so what would a year apart make of our marriage. Is it strong enough to handle it?

Sometimes I am convinced that Lou will always be a bachelor in his soul. I actually like that about him and it gives me some comfort knowing he knows how to take care of himself, he did it a long, long time before I showed up. He doesn't share a bathroom with me, he has his own "train room" he sleeps on the couch half the night because he wakes up a lot and is afraid to wake me. I have always seen these things as endearing and livable; never have I been threatened by these indicators of bachelorhood. But leaving for a year, that is scary, but when I sat down and went over what it is that I have dreamed about in my life it has always come back to sailing. I don't want to break trans Atlantic records or circumnavigation times. I just want to be on the water, sleep with the rocking of the boat at anchor and catching my dinner from the sea. Sailing along with rainbows over the islands and dolphins at the bow. (I have experienced that!) The idea of learning to read charts, learning celestial navigation and making my way from Tampa Bay to New Zealand (where hopefully Julie and Bryce will still be living!) , that is what makes my heart race and my palms sweat, not out of fear but out of excitement!

I have been saying for years even before I met Lou that when I sold the insurance business I was headed to the Caribbean to wait tables and live on a boat....I wouldn't even want to wear a bra! (most people would be appalled by that, but it sounds so lovely) I want to own one pair of cut offs, one sundress, and a windbreaker and about 10 bathing suits. That's it! I don't want to own much! A 25 foot boat would be fine. I would tear it down to the bulkheads to make sure it was watertight and seaworthy and put enough equipment on it to stay healthy and safe, but nothing more. I would be fine to do it alone.

Steven Pressfield claims that providence takes hold once you make your first step of showing up. I wonder if even writing about doing that could open the portals for the Muse to enter and actually take me there. I'd like to experiment with that.

So dear cyberspace....stay tuned for the Adventures of Eileen..